wow society rly does program us

cw: arfid (avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder), ed mention, weight talk (no numbers) <3

I genuinely can't believe I'm over here beating myself up over eating more

when I have a literal eating disorder

(which caused me to eat only beans and rice for nearly a year. yeah. 365 days. all beans and rice)

like

I can't pick what I can eat, I eat what I can with the sensory issues I have -- I'm at the mercy of the ARFID gods

but I'm... a little heavier than I was when I started school, right? my weight slowly went up even though I was on my feet 40 hours a week + eating regularly, not regularly forgetting to for once

so I just put on "Baylen Out Loud" and she's talking about how there's some weight she can't get off from meds she's been taking & I'm sitting here going

...you look amazing tho. like. you genuinely still look amazing. those pounds don't affect anything about your aesthetic if that's what you're worried about, like, you're good.

so.. why can't I think the same about myself?

maybe I should just go along for the ride with intuitive eating with my ARFID and just see where this takes me

because damn I'm over here beating myself up about weight gain that likely nobody but me noticed and now I'm feeling bad?? no I'm done with that

*I also understand that having OCD can make weight gain mess with me bc I don't look or feel 'the same' as I did, as well as the male vs female gaze playing a part in the way we perceive our own bodies vs. the bodies around us

- f