the kind of thing that makes you proud (that nothing else had ever worked out)

I told J a while back that I require a lot of patience.

like.

even when you're at the end of your rope, and patient is the last thing you want to be.

yesterday, they apologized for getting frustrated with me so often and said that they need to be more patient with me.

it was genuine & we had a conversation about it, and things like that just mean the world to me.

I know I'm not easy to love, but hopefully it isn't actively challenging either.

more later

- f

I had been feeling so different

I don't know why I'm like this, and I really wish I wasn't

I'm so sensitive

I notice nearly everything, and nearly everything bothers me

around my family I can pretend I'm okay if I need to, otherwise..

when I try to act like things are okay

the mask breaks and I seem awkward and robotic

I try to mimic the way I would normally act

had I not noticed or been bothered by [xyz]

but I think I do a piss poor job

more later

-f

tonight's watch

thinking of Sara

- f

wow society rly does program us

cw: arfid (avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder), ed mention, weight talk (no numbers) <3

I genuinely can't believe I'm over here beating myself up over eating more

when I have a literal eating disorder

(which caused me to eat only beans and rice for nearly a year. yeah. 365 days. all beans and rice)

like

I can't pick what I can eat, I eat what I can with the sensory issues I have -- I'm at the mercy of the ARFID gods

but I'm... a little heavier than I was when I started school, right? my weight slowly went up even though I was on my feet 40 hours a week + eating regularly, not regularly forgetting to for once

so I just put on "Baylen Out Loud" and she's talking about how there's some weight she can't get off from meds she's been taking & I'm sitting here going

...you look amazing tho. like. you genuinely still look amazing. those pounds don't affect anything about your aesthetic if that's what you're worried about, like, you're good.

so.. why can't I think the same about myself?

maybe I should just go along for the ride with intuitive eating with my ARFID and just see where this takes me

because damn I'm over here beating myself up about weight gain that likely nobody but me noticed and now I'm feeling bad?? no I'm done with that

*I also understand that having OCD can make weight gain mess with me bc I don't look or feel 'the same' as I did, as well as the male vs female gaze playing a part in the way we perceive our own bodies vs. the bodies around us

- f

okay look

I know this isn't promising to read after my first blog post but I mean this in a chronically unwell physically and mentally ill very disabled way

I am so sick of vomiting

I would genuinely rather die than vomit one more time

I don't know why it's happening more often now (PCOS, health issues??)

I don't even know if I want to find out

I just want it to stop

I started eating more, and now I'm having issues

I started eating more, and I feel and look like I've gained weight

I started eating more, and it feels like I shouldn't have if I was healthier before when I wasn't

how is it that branching out and eating more came with all of this

how was I eating worse or the same two years ago but my weight and body were fine then..

I feel like I can't control anything

now I don't want to branch out any more, not if it's going to make me sick and bloated and hurt me somehow

- f

I don't want to die, I just..

want to press pause. take a beat. take a rest. one that actually matters. that restores. it's so hard for me to relax. more later.

- f

My First Post!

I'm watching AoT while I edit my strawpage and decided to come here <3